Retirement

I met a pro athlete the other night. I asked, "Do you still play?" And he smiled this million dollar grin (I guess because I am stupid and didn't know) "No...I'm retired." WOW, what a smile. Wait...did he just say retired? We talked for an hour or so, great guy. Great family. It was a really good time, just hanging out while kids played.

So, when I got home, like any good woman who doesn't follow sports, I looked him up. HOLY SHIT. Heisman Trophy...that's big. Rookie of the year...that must be big, too...Superbowl. Shit. I KNOW that's big. I was talking to this guy like the best thing about him was that smile!

But let's go back to that retired comment. Looking at his website, I learned that he is 1 year younger than myself. RETIRED.

For a pro athlete...does that mean, I will never play ball professionally or does it REALLY mean never work again, like it does for most of us? I can guess. And even if he doesn't HAVE to, he's working. He's got his radio show, his sports commentating, his endorsements....that's work. But at my age, to not really HAVE to work...what would I do?

Now, there is probably ONE LESS THING I should ever worry about. ha That day may be around the corner...along with that lightening rod and the winning powerball ticket.

I can tell you this, this morning, I did check to see when football enrollment is for my son. Don't want to miss that!

Millionaires

I am not sure I know a ton of millionaires. But the other night my husband and I went to dinner and ended up joining up with a couple, over appetizers...and these people were marked.

My mom asked "I can't believe you all weren't intimidated" But the truth is, I find it infinitely easier to talk to folks who have already MADE thier fortune...than those still working to make it.

My husband and I checked out on money early this year.

Intimidation...I think I will reserve it for the day I am in a show down for something I really want...and know in my heart I am outmatched. And untill then, I will decidedly try to avoid this day, and enjoy everyone else not in the said ring.

FEAR

Tonights topic of discussion in AA was Fear...all of these women, so unique...so cool...so different and raw and good, all with SUCH problems talked openly about fear. One after the other....how fear affects them...and I searched my soul for REAL fear. Have you ever done that?

One girl said, "I know we are supposed to follow our fear right to the end"...and I just got stuck there. Who says that? What does that mean? I need to get that damn BIG BOOK once and for all. Is that in there? And if it is...I want to read all about it. I don't get it.

What am I truly afraid of? Does it motivate me? Why should I follow it? Hmmm

Snakes
Kids getting terminally ill
Sudden death of husband
Loss of mobility

That't pretty much it without going into offbeat freak stuff that NO ONE hopes happens. I think I have worked through lame fears. Can I say that at my age? I am not sure I am motivated by fear, or that this is healthy. I can't pine over these things...all we have is today, right? Maybe that's it...but why follow fear. Maybe she is a freak and no one in the room related to her. I don't think I am going to overwork this one...but if anyone gets it...please let me know.

Alcoholics

Am I am Alcoholic? Perhaps this the core question and certain YES answer of every drinker that ever had an issue with drinking. Tonight at an AA meeting I was totally upstaged by the maturity in the room. Not in years, just in elequence.

First of all, I was new to this group or meeting...and I didn't talk at all - short of introducing myself and making the CRAZY fo-pa of not identifying myself as an Alcoholic. I really debated on IF I should talk. I could have. I am a presenter! I can present my ass off and did WITH ACOLADES in Corporate America for years and years. But this wasn't corporate America.

It's tricky. I debated. I sat there and thought, well...if I don't talk, they will all assume my story - which probably has to do with some sort of rock bottom devestation and alcohol...but that's just a guess. ha

I don't think it is a matter of me NOT wanting the floor. I always want the floor and am willing to take it. Shit, I once had a friend that took this Leadership test...and her best quality was "Enters Conflict with Confidence" (I am so jealous of that.) But mine outcome would be "Takes the Center of Attention with Confidence" - Anyway, that wasn't it. Tonight, I just wanted to listen.

At first, I thought it was me trying to be cool, keep my guard a bit....till I peg who I like and HOW much to say. But I do worry that this can come off as stuck up. But I was willing to risk that to avoid the adverse judgement of being TOO bold in a new group...Who does this girl think she is? They might think. So, wisely I held off.

I say wisely not because I am wise...but in retrospect JUST the opposite. The more everyone talked, the more I realized I am an infant to AA. I come off and on...I just eek in and leave. I have never bought into the program. I get it. It think it works, but some stuff just bothers me....and ALL that stuff, make me look like a defiant baby alcoholic. And THAT is embarassing. Not because I am stupid...but I might be. Do you ever think that? How can I be so smart...and soo so stupid?

See...I told ya today was about education. And I got pounded today. CRAZY.

In fact, on the way home I contemplated writing down all of my thoughts so when I am a MATURE Alcoholic, recovering that is...I will be able to remember and identify with these baby thoughts I was having the whole meeting. It was sick. The longer I sat there...I could glimpse it. I could picture me saying what I thought...and I could project the thoughts of others...deeming me SUPER carnel. Yuck. I hate this feeling.

Education

I am consistently amazed by education. God, I love to learn. I realize I am not alone in that. I once read that a good blog INFORMS people, because people just like information. They like to learn and don't even know it. Well I should say MOST people, because there are a few people who really don't want to learn. BUT...in this, I am just like every Tom Dick and Harry

A brief pause to thank the Jackass who came up with the names Tom Dick and Harry for a cliche. Tom...I have no problem. But the words Harry and Dick really shouldn't be in the same sentence for the masses.

Anyway, today I was reminded of Education like over and over and over.

1. I was studying hydrogenated oils today, because we are seeing a personal trainer with my daughter and I cannot f'ing believe I have lived my whole stupid life without understanding the most basic oils. I was sitting on a bouncy workout ball - across from the trainer the other day with my 11 year old on a ball next to me more interested in the conversation than my daughter. Thank God it was on a 9 year old level. But, after understanding these oils - or at least scratching the surface, I am now horrified by my parenting. I instinctively made my 6 year old twins lunch after going to the beach and realized...I am feeding my children DIRT....Bread, Peanut Butter, Chips...and 10 grapes. Grapes. Yet another area I am confronted with learning must equal change. Am I ever going to learn something and be able to disregard it entirely?

2. I got on a tirade looking up Genius types today as well - thanks to some great titled teaser on yahoo today. So, I was telling my mom about this tonight and she finished my sentence. "Oh yeah...that is so and so's theory of intellegences"....uh....okay then, bye. Again, who did I think I was kidding? This woman has her masters and 36+ years experience teaching...hello...THE GIFTED. She probably relearns this shit every year at some conference she dreads. How much does my mom know that she doesn't tell me? I am not sure I WANT to know. And even better, she thought it was boring. yeah....me too. (humbling choke on stupity)

3. Education goes out the window during personal drama. I realized this 2x today. 1 was on the beach with a friend who is going through a hiddeous divorce. Now, this is a woman who graduated Vanderbilt...she can't be stupid? Right? In fact, as a new friend, I learn more of her experiences and find her a worthy advesary in most conversations...but the divorce...you can't get her off it. She is in drama...and therefore, knowledge really isn't interesting right now...unless of course, it pertains to how she can get what she deserves from this 15 years of a tragedy called HER marriage that will ruin her life in ways she sees quite clearly right now.

The second instance of this was in a AA meeting I attended tonight. I LOVE AA meetings. Mind you I am not in AA. I think it works for some people...but I just go for the sport of it right now - to keep me on my toes and remind myself maybe I don't need to drink tonight. But the people are great. I attended a meeting tonight that I have never attended in this new city and these women were like totally together. I have never met a softer, more kind REAL group.

I think I will start a new blog entry in a sec. I need a glass of wine. ha Just kidding, going to grab a coffee....

The Help

I am reading a book called The Help. In it, a character gets advice from someone on how to write on something meaningful. The advice was "think of what disturbs you - particularly if it distrubs no one else."

I am not even sure that would be interesting. And if it were, why? In the book, the character said she made a long list that just flowed. I am not sure I could do this. Oh, I could make a list miles long of things that disturb me, but I am not sure any of it would be unique to me and only me. Maybe I'll just make a list of things that disturbed me today. Let's start there.

#1. The bitch that said to me, "Isn't that hat HOT!" What is her problem and what does she care? What was the purpose of this comment and has she no manners. What does she care if I am hot. Worse, when I responded, she didn't like my response. So, why ask? Because no matter what I said, she was going to make me feel like an idiot for wearing a winter hat in Summer...in Florida. I just didn't like the moment, or her, or the stupid ass intention or her hiddeous ass personality.

#2. Today, my porch really bothered me. Every time I drove up, I hated my porch. INSIDE my house is so charming...but the porch is stark and redneck. You would never even guess a person with taste lives here. And as highly creative as I feel most days, I look at the porch and can't visualize anything. Maybe a fern. But it would die and look like shit in a couple of weeks, too. I could spend money, but I don't even know what I would buy. Porch drought...disturbing.

#3. My son has become a very Barefoot person these days and I don't like his big toe. The nail is just not growing right.

#4. My daughters shit-ass attitude about running with her cousin today. She is 60 lbs over weight and did NOTHING all day. Run and shut up and stop the drama.

#5. My husband mocking my son for saying he needed some alone time. I personally think this is very astute, to acknowledge that you need down time. Just because my husband is highly social does not mean that we need to mock those who need a break. What is that?

#6. The cost of cigarettes. Will the taxation ever end? And really, how long will it be before someone gets the bright Idea to lynch the president for approving this madness?

#7. Why does grease have to be so fattening? It makes food so damn good.

#8. Not eating at the table as a family. We haven't done this in weeks. We have had non stop company and still - we are dispaced from our table, with my nephew here this month.

#9. People who spend too much time on facebook and tell way too much. Just live.

#10. The texting insanity of teenagers. Its just not healthy to be THAT connected. My nephew went swimming with his cell phone in his pocket a couple days ago...and you would think that the world had ended. Tonight, I finally said to him, "You are probably missing so much." Just to have fun with myself. Cruel, I know. But he got the sarcasm....kinda. He said, "I AM!" - oh brother. Doesn't he understand that being a teenager is like watching a soap opera...it's the same shit...days, months and years later! He isn't missing JACK.

#11. The number of coats of paint required to cover wood.

#12. The fact that my ex husband hasn't sent child support for the 12th year...not one month...on time. Oh wait. This bullet might as just well say, MY EX. He continues to bother me after all these years. Just send the damn money. You don't do SHIT else...for Christ sakes - buy a stamp.

#13. My wet ass mailbox. It has a crack in it and when it rains, mail gets soaked. So much for any message in ink. As a rentor, I refuse to buy a mailbox. But the mail madness must end.

Never Enough

Well, my big lawsuit settled today. Woopie. Needless fanfare. That is all I have to say. And...

my previous post about lawyers reigns.

Let me ask you....if you were given $16,000 would you lay down on a table, willingly be gagged and blindfolded...then given a paralysis drug so you could not move....and let someone cut you open via your stomach and operate on your spine? The hitch, no pain meds....nope, you would feel it all. You would hear it all. You would remember it all.

I am sure I know the answer to that. Yet, because I didn't get consistent and "meaningful" care in recovery for phycology...therefore, this torment was worth 16,000. Now granted....that was 50,000....until the lawyer scooped his 40 and then the firm scooped thier fees.

Now....I know damn good and well this lawyer did not endure near the pain in paperwork that this surgery had on my life. Yet...here we are. Let me just add this travesty to my list of all things that come up short.