Alcoholics

Am I am Alcoholic? Perhaps this the core question and certain YES answer of every drinker that ever had an issue with drinking. Tonight at an AA meeting I was totally upstaged by the maturity in the room. Not in years, just in elequence.

First of all, I was new to this group or meeting...and I didn't talk at all - short of introducing myself and making the CRAZY fo-pa of not identifying myself as an Alcoholic. I really debated on IF I should talk. I could have. I am a presenter! I can present my ass off and did WITH ACOLADES in Corporate America for years and years. But this wasn't corporate America.

It's tricky. I debated. I sat there and thought, well...if I don't talk, they will all assume my story - which probably has to do with some sort of rock bottom devestation and alcohol...but that's just a guess. ha

I don't think it is a matter of me NOT wanting the floor. I always want the floor and am willing to take it. Shit, I once had a friend that took this Leadership test...and her best quality was "Enters Conflict with Confidence" (I am so jealous of that.) But mine outcome would be "Takes the Center of Attention with Confidence" - Anyway, that wasn't it. Tonight, I just wanted to listen.

At first, I thought it was me trying to be cool, keep my guard a bit....till I peg who I like and HOW much to say. But I do worry that this can come off as stuck up. But I was willing to risk that to avoid the adverse judgement of being TOO bold in a new group...Who does this girl think she is? They might think. So, wisely I held off.

I say wisely not because I am wise...but in retrospect JUST the opposite. The more everyone talked, the more I realized I am an infant to AA. I come off and on...I just eek in and leave. I have never bought into the program. I get it. It think it works, but some stuff just bothers me....and ALL that stuff, make me look like a defiant baby alcoholic. And THAT is embarassing. Not because I am stupid...but I might be. Do you ever think that? How can I be so smart...and soo so stupid?

See...I told ya today was about education. And I got pounded today. CRAZY.

In fact, on the way home I contemplated writing down all of my thoughts so when I am a MATURE Alcoholic, recovering that is...I will be able to remember and identify with these baby thoughts I was having the whole meeting. It was sick. The longer I sat there...I could glimpse it. I could picture me saying what I thought...and I could project the thoughts of others...deeming me SUPER carnel. Yuck. I hate this feeling.